I really need a friend. This is embarrassing. But it would be nice to have someone to talk to, or someone to just vent to, or just knowing that I have someone there for me. For some odd reason, I pretend that I’m venting to a friend that cares. It sucks though, because the people that used to be my friends, could read this and see me as a laughing stock. Well whatever, there’s nothing they can say to put me down even more. 

Well trying to plan a party for my boyfriend is stressful. His friends aren’t telling me if they’re going or not, some don’t even want to go to that restaurant, and some are just confusing me to the finest. All you need to do is tell me if you’re going, and not change the plans. I’m not a good leader, never have been. So me trying to tell people to do something is hard for me. Well if it ends up having no one wanting to go to his party, we can just party with his family. I’m okay with that. As long as he has a good day, that’s all that I care about right now. I’m just really trying my best to give him that great party that he deserves, but no one is letting me give it to him. I saved up $400 for his day, but not one of his friends want to go anymore. I always fuck things up, don’t I? Sorry for being me. 

Only times when I’m actually happy is when I’m high or drunk.. I don’t wna feel this anymore.. 

I don’t really feel good right now, I wish I was sick. I can’t stop remembering the people that were once in my fucking life. I really need to shut up. I need my boyfriend to get off from work now, I can’t really control myself right now.. 

Rude.  

Ouch. How rude. I get it, you guys don’t like me anymore because I dropped out of that school? That hurts. That’s what I hate about you guys, you always make plans and stuff infront of me, and then you know I’m listening, but you guys just exclude me. And now, you guys are posting throwbacks on our old dance group, and I see that everyone is tagged, and everyone is planning, but I wasn’t part of it? That’s cool. I get it. This sucks. But just got to learn how to move on. 

Making debut plans 

This sucks. I can’t even name 5 friends, but I have to have a debut in a couple of months. I really don’t want to, but all the girls in my family has never had a debut before. That’s why my mom wants me to have one so bad, but I’m sorry mom for not having friends. I can’t even name 8 girls that are my friends. Isn’t this sad? I’m so desperate to just ask some girls to lie about their speech and pretend that we’re close. I miss all the people in my life. I don’t know what I did to lose them all. But I guess I deserve it. I’m never felt so lonely before. You know what’s more sad? I still wish I was friends with them. Not all of them, but the ones that actually made me happy before. The ones that got my back before. I always wanted to celebrate my birthday wit them, but I can’t. I may be starting to sound a little bit desperate but God, can you please let them be with me on that day, they don’t have to be friends with me after, but I just want one more day to have them, and to feel like I have friends again. Not looking forward to it, but hey, I actually will reach the big 18. 

I knew making an account, I will find out the truth on how people see me. I was wondering how my reputation is like, and by the looks of it, I’m a “slut” and a “whore”, that fucks around and loves to fuck. I love how one mistake in the past can fuck your life up and haunt you for the rest of your life. I’m sorry I was drunk, I’m sorry I didn’t know my limits on my drinking, but it wasn’t my fault that he came on to me first. Now cause of that I’m the biggest slut alive. I haven’t partied for so long, I’m usually with my boyfriend and my close girlfriends, I haven’t done anything ‘bad’ in so long, yet I have that rep. That’s why it’s hard to look at people and believe their innocent smiles, because you don’t know who’s behind that computer screen sending you those hateful lies. I’d change the past if I could, maybe I’d still have friends, but what’s done is done, and I’m going to leave the past behind. Sucks because nobody wants to know the real you, they just rather listen to the bullshit that they heard about you.

Still sticking to my goal on getting my goal weight on May 18, which is my boyfriends birthday. I’m eating right, cutting out the bad foods, and working out 5-6 times a week. I love that feeling after you workout, all tired and sore. I wish my boyfriend could motivate me more. He always tells me I’m perfect just the way I am, and he doesn’t want me to lose any more weight, but I feel like I can do better. Well time to push harder since its only 2 months left. 

Stuck in the past 

Am I a person that is easy to forget? Does nobody want anything to do with me? The older I’ve gotten, the more people in my life I tend to lose. I can only think of 3 people in my life that’s still there for me, and I honestly am trying the best I can to keep them still in my life. I’m tired of losing people that used to mean the world to me, I’m tired of looking at someone and saying “They used to be my bestfriend”, I’m fucking tired of reminiscing the past and the memories that I used to have with my “friends”. Only time I get those feelings back is when I dream. That’s it. I don’t know what it feels like anymore to be wanted, to be welcomed, to have your friends by your back. I wish I didn’t lose any one of them. I wish they were still there in my life. But what’s done is done. I wish I could move on with my life, like how they moved on with theirs, but I can’t. I’ll just stick to pretending that I’m okay. 

wanderlustmyway:

the best

Didn’t notice him changing in the back :$ woopsy (Taken with GifBoom)

Have you ever sacked a guy while they’re sleeping? LOLOL FUNNIEST SHIT ALIVE ! My boyfriend gets like a little spasm! ahahhaha omfg i”ve been doing this for an hour now ! 

I need to stop over-thinking. It’s going to start driving me insane.